Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
