dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
