I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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