Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
