I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
