worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
