life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
