you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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