i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
