after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
