I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
worst night to have a conscience
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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