someone threw a dead crab at me
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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