just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
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This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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