If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
