I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
