Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
