Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
