I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
