Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
