im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
