sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
