Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
