Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
