my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
