how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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