...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
