Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
