I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
