I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
