I wish I only lived at night.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
