We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
