HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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