I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
