and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
