What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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