never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
