my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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