If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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