There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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