6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
