Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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