Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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