i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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