also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The uberlube is also flammable
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
