Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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