Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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