i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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