Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
