You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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