I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
