someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
