I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
