My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
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Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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