Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
