who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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