this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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