i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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