mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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