didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
