apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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