Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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