dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
